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"It's perfectly okay, I'm scared too"

“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

The first time I fell in love

Was with this beautiful girl

Who had fiery red hair

And an open heart.

She was one of the

Most extraordinary people

I have ever met

And knowing that

She exists in this universe

Makes me happier than anyone

Could ever comprehend.

She gave me

The best two years

Of my life

And I honestly thought

I was going to marry that girl.

She was everything

I had ever wanted

From this universe

Packed into a person.

The stars were within her eyes

The ocean was within her heart

And I swear, the sun was within her smile.

In hindsight,

I think she was everything

That I needed from

The world during

That period of time.

We were introduced

To each other,

When I was in and out

Of emergency rooms

And my wrist had

More lines than

A notebook.

She met me when

I desired nothing more

Than to be six feet under

The stars that I admired

So much more than

Like itself.

I met her when

She was in an abusive

Relationship

With her body

And a war with

Her mind.

I think after losing her,

There was this

Black hole

Inside of me,

That temporarily closed

At the idea of

My recklessness.

My nights were filled

With a blur

Of different girls

And more vodka

Than I’d like to admit.

I was so intoxicated by

The idea of moving on

That I didn’t realize,

I was kissing

A bunch of different lips

And pretending they

Were hers.

But when I met you,

All the lips I had kissed

Prior to yours,

Were grains of sand

On a beach

And you were the ocean.

I remember

The first time I kissed

Your lips

And the way your body

Fell perfectly

Next to mine.

It was one of those moments,

You know the ones,

Where you’re not entirely sure

Of the outcome,

But you know

It has to happen.

The butterflies pounding

Against the lining

Of my stomach

Were telling me

Not to lean in,

But fuck,

I knew that I would

Regret it,

If I didn’t try.

I guess

It’s been easier

To pretend that

You don’t desire

Or crave me,

That you’re

Unattached

And uninterested,

Because if you ever decided

To leave,

It would be nobody’s fault

But my own.

And I know you promised

A month ago

That I could always call you

At 3am,

If everything started

To fall apart,

While I was half asleep

On your chest

In my bed.

But I also know that

It rains in January

And people tear flowers

Out of the ground

To watch them die

Beautifully,

And things happen

Even when they’re

Not supposed to.

So I never held you

To your promises

Or the rants you had

About me in your sleep

Or the midnight

“I love you” confessions,

Because it wasn’t fair

To have any expectations

Or assumptions

Of you.

The idea of loving someone again

Terrifies me,

You know?

Of allowing another person

To penetrate the walls

And folders

Within my mind,

Of becoming predictable

And a part of another

Pattern,

That can be easily

Followed,

Of getting hurt again,

I think.

I’ve only ever been in love

Once

And it disintegrated

All the best parts of me.

But as you reminded me

The first time

You slept in my bed,

You’re not her.

You’re not my ex girlfriend

And nor am I

The girl I was when

I fell in love with her.

And I’m so glad.

I’ve had that F. Scott Fitzgerald quote

Echoing through my mind

Lately,

You know the one

About different kinds of love

And I realized,

That I was very lucky

To love her,

She was and always will be

My first love,

But it’s okay

That my heart doesn’t

Skip a beat,

When I think of her

And it’s okay,

That I’m dreaming

Of you now,

And it’s okay,

That she’s not mine

Anymore,

Because I’ve fallen

For someone

Who has made me

Forget

The love I used to have

And all the things

I used to crave.

Instead

I’ve started thinking about

So many other things.

Like your long eyelashes And the way they shelter Your tears on winter mornings.

Or your delicate fingertips And the way they trace My body like a map.

Or the sound of your voice And the way it soothes My anxious heart.

I’ve been thinking

About all these things

That I never would have

Thought of before

And I’m so much

Better for it.

I’ve been eating again

And trying not

To think about

My increasing weight

Or the fact that

Eating makes me

Anxious.

I’ve been studying

And trying to wrap my mind

Around concepts

That won’t really

Assist me in life,

But my teachers say

It will help decide

Where my life leads,

So I’m trying.

I’ve been happier too,

You know?

I think

The last time

I really fell for someone,

I molded myself

Into them

And became

What they wanted me to be.

But I’m so much happier

Just letting things

Wash over me,

Like the ocean consumes

The shoreline

And being whatever

I want to be.

I know that we’re not

Constant

Or technically

What “lovers” are

Supposed to be,

But I kind of like

Making things up

As we go along,

Just being happy,

You know?

Instead of

Overthinking

All these things that

Don’t really

Influence

My thoughts or

Feelings

In the slightest.

I don’t know.

I love you,

I know I don’t say it

Very much,

But I do.

I guess

I’ve been saying it

For a while,

In other ways. “Get some rest”

“It will be okay”

“Goodnight, beautiful,

I hope you sleep well”

Like I say every night

After I hear

The sound of your

Deep breaths

On the other end

Of the muffled

Phone line.

I’m not very good

At being in love

Or showing people

How much I care,

But I promise you,

It’s there.

It has always been there.

And I hope one day,

You see it too.