Dear Mum.

When I was younger,

I remember

Looking up to you.

You were my hero.

I was curious

As a child,

I didn’t understand

The way of the world,

And maybe I still don’t.

But I was always asking

Questions.

That made you both

Insanely happy

And

Increasingly worried.

Even at a really

Young age,

I was aware of

The large space,

Left empty

Through his absence.

I would ask you

About him,

Where was he?

Why didn’t he live with us?

Did I do something wrong?

The relentless questions

Made you uneasy.

The hairs on your neck

Would rise to attention

At the mention of his name.

A slow aching

Would penetrate

Through your chest.

An overwhelming swarm

Of killer bees

Would sting

The lining of your stomach.

For the first 13 years

Of my life,

You never mentioned him.

You disposed

Of his existence,

Like yesterday’s newspaper.

You washed away

The idea of him

From my memory

Like the window

That refused to be transparent.

You shut down

My questions

Like a Windows 7

Computer.

The very mention

Of him

Was forbidden.

In Year 7,

I pushed you

To find him

And you gave in.

You could see

The waves of

Depression

Roaring

Through my mind

And the deep sea

Of woe

Building up

Inside my heart.

You thought

Seeing him,

Would help me realize

How much

I didn’t need him.

You were right.

Every day with him,

Was like a tornado.

He swept away

Any stability

I had within my life.

He destroyed

All the relationships

I had made

With family

And friends.

He completely devastated

The innocence inside of me.

I saw the bad side of him,

That many couldn’t see.

As the darkness within him,

Was also in me.

After we left

New Zealand,

Leaving all of his

Wreckage

At that empty airport,

You also decided

To leave behind

A part of you.

For a while,

I didn’t even notice

It was missing.

But now,

After three years

Of

One-sided forgiveness,

Half apologies

And broken promises,

Do I realize,

How different we both are.

Your boyfriend said

That we were completely

Different people,

We’re nothing alike.

It bothered me

For a very long time

And until now,

I didn’t realize why.

Growing up,

I was the spitting image

Of you.

Although

After New Zealand

After the hurricane

That rummaged

Through our lives

And damaged

Everything

We held dear to us,

We grew into

Completely

Different

People.

You’re no longer

The hero

I once looked up to.

You’ve changed

And so have I.

I don’t think

You’re a bad person

And

I don’t perceive you

To be the

Lightning

Within the storm

That was our lives

3 years ago.

I see you

As someone

Who surrendered

Her brightness

To the

Lightning thief

Himself.

You decided

That you didn’t

Desire

Lightning

During a storm,

What you really

Craved

Was

Fireworks

On a clear night.

You found your spark

And he is so lovely.

He fills a part of you

That was empty

For many years.

And I’m so happy

For you.

But the storms

You left behind

In the war zone

Of our memories,

They still rage within me.

My ex-girlfriend

Used to compare me

To the ocean.

She said

“On a nice day,

You’re lovely

To watch.

You slowly kiss

The shoreline

Of my heart

And

Not only

Reveal the beauties

In others,

But also within

Yourself.

Although,

On a bad day,

You rage louder

And stronger

Than the

Roaring waves

Against the rocks

At high tide.

Anger

And sadness

Overwhelm you

Like the sea

Consumes

The shore

At midnight.

And every evening,

You try to escape

Yourself,

Pleading not to

Be left within

Your thoughts.”

She said

“You’re looking

To run away

From everything

You’ve ever known,

To find a new home.

But baby,

When the wars rage

Within your mind,

I will be your shore

Your city

I’ll be your home.”

And I successfully

Hid within her

For so long.

She was home.

When everything

Was wrong,

I would kick off my shoes

Wrap myself

In her blanket of

Pinky promises

And crawl into her chest.

But I don’t have her

Anymore.

She’s no longer my home

Or my shore

Or even the city

That I would

Watch illuminate

In the night.

And I finally realized

That I had lost myself

Inside of her

That she was no longer

My home

But more like

A habit.

I fell so deeply within in

Her beautiful smile

Her heavenly

Bright red hair,

And her warm

Brown eyes.

Out of all

The houses

I have ever lived in,

She was the

Only place

That felt like home.

Even after,

The battles we

Fought back in

New Zealand,

The loss of

A beautiful, young

Baby girl

And the

Darkness

Within my father,

That pleaded to

Take my life.

Letting her go

Was the

Hardest

And

Most painful

Loss

I have ever endured.

But she’s

In the past now

And

Maybe we’ll meet again

At a coffee shop

Or

At a beach

In the middle of Bali,

And

We could fall in love,

We could be the lovers

That time will not

Allow us to be now.

Or maybe

She’ll be a passing

Acquaintance.

Either way,

I’m okay now, Ma.

I really think

I’m okay.